5 Years……….

5 Years ago today I was in a hospital bed, recovering from a routine operation, completely unaware of what was going on inside my body. The undetected hole in my Oesophagus was slowly growing; the liquids and medication I swallowed were spilling out into my abdomen, and despite the horrendous pain I remember……..nobody knew or questioned.   Soon I would be in Intensive Care fighting for my life and my family would have no idea if I’d survive…………

Where has the time gone?! 5 years is a long time, yet it still feels like yesterday. When the 23^rd of November arrives, I always wonder what that day 5 years ago must’ve been like and in what order things happened. The not knowing is one of the things I struggle with the most, but also not knowing what it must have been like for my family, troubles me more. Within my volunteering, I see the impact of critical illness on relatives just as much as the patient, and it’s hard. As patients, ‘we’ have little choice of what to do, but our families must cope with the worry of our situation, whilst juggling visiting, money, shopping, children and just everyday life. It’s unimaginable unless you’ve been through it.

A year after my discharge, when I really began to start to move forward, I knew that I had changed as a person and wanted to go in a different direction. After a conversation with my psychologist, the mad but instinctive idea of working in healthcare fell out of my mouth and ever since, that has been a direction I have been trying to head. Lots of bumps in the road have not made it easy and I’d hoped that by now, I would be in a dream role. In some ways I feel like a failure, that I’ve held myself back……but whilst it’s still a working progress (and boring adult ‘stuff’ gets in the way!), I must recognise all the good that I’ve achieved, supporting others through my volunteering and public speaking. I never imagined I’d be speaking about my journey in a way that it educated and inspired others, and it’s taken me a while to realise that that doesn’t make me arrogant, it makes me someone who can confidently share their experiences of critical care to benefit others. Patient experience is hugely beneficial to so many individuals and organisations, and it’s something I will always continue to do.

So, I guess the question is now that I’ve hit 5 years – do I keep remembering? It was mentioned to me recently that at some point I must ‘move on’. In some ways the individual was right. Not only will I bore everyone if I keep ‘remembering’, but also at some point……I do have to move on.                                                        

Except……why should I? Yes, I am writing this blog post to ‘celebrate’ but only because it feels right and because it’s a significant milestone. With the support I’ve received and with the help of my volunteering, I HAVE moved on. But that doesn’t mean I have to forget. I will continue to remember this period of time in my own way, and as others forget, I will always use it as a period of reflection. In some ways it’s become my ‘New Year’ – the start of my year and a time to think about what I can do in the 12 months ahead, and perhaps all the things I should’ve done! So many things will make me reminisce over the next few weeks and months – The sunrises, like those that I used to look at from my bedspace; the feeling of cold air when going outside, how it felt when it hit my face going outside for the first time; volunteering and supporting patients who will be in hospital over Christmas and new year, just as I was.

It will always be a special time for me – a time to remember what I overcame.