When I started to think about writing a blog, I wanted to put the posts in a rough order of how they happened (or at least how I think they happened!). I’ve yet to bring an end to my journey in ICU and beyond and there will be a post about that soon. But I... Continue Reading →
I have no solid memories of my time in ICU, or the days that followed. I have a blank of roughly 3 weeks, filled only with fuzzy images and things that I ‘think’ happened. It’s a scary place to be, not knowing what is reality, what isn’t. Not knowing if the people there to help... Continue Reading →
3yrs ago today I was at rock bottom in my hospital journey.Despite the previous weeks fluoroscopy showing the hole in my oesophagus as barely the width of a cotton thread, the scan on NYE showed no change. I was devastated. I was convinced it would be good news but it wasn't. I was inconsolable. My... Continue Reading →
My EMDR was proving to be effective. I'd had 7 sessions and felt in a completely different place. I was now able to walk through the hospital, almost skipping through the corridors! I found comfort in reminiscing about my time in hospital when I walked through certain areas or recognised staff. I'd gone from being... Continue Reading →
Shortly after my blog was launched in late 2019, I was approached by a BBC Journalist keen to learn more about my story. At first I was suspicious - I didn't want my story sensationalised or for the tear in my Oesophagus to be dramatised as a medical failure! Thankfully the Journalist was super lovely,... Continue Reading →
Over the next 6 weeks, I would return to the hospital for EMDR Therapy. Each session involved talking about my deliriums and everything else I’d experienced, in minuscule detail. Things were still coming to the surface that I didn’t even know about. It was like diving into a pool of unknown thoughts. I had to... Continue Reading →
The day of my first EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapy session had me feeling nervous. But, something quite unexpected happened before I’d even walked into the hospital building. Because of my previous ‘wobbles’ in the outpatient department, it had been arranged for my appointments to take place in a different part of the... Continue Reading →
The weeks following discharge from hospital were a rollercoaster ride of emotions. When I left hospital, I didn’t expect to feel the way I did. Nobody had prepared me for what I might feel or how I might react to being at home after being away for so long. I guess it’s assumed that you’re... Continue Reading →
“Whoever you are, what have you done with me”? This was something I found me asking myself every day. Although I was settling in at home, it still didn’t feel right. I found myself looking at the time, thinking back to the ward and what happened at set times. In the evenings, at 8pm I would... Continue Reading →
Home didn’t feel like home. I felt like I’d walked into someone elses life. Everything looked different. Things were now done differently; new things had appeared. The furniture felt too soft, my dinner was too late (compared to hospital timings!) and far too big a portion. Where was I and more importantly where had Louise... Continue Reading →
My last weekend in hospital was strange. For the first time I felt like I didn’t need to be there. I was eating small amounts of pureed food, drinking, walking. I felt more normal than I ever had. On the Sunday I sat on my bed knowing that the next night I would be home.... Continue Reading →
When I was told that I could start drinking, I was terrified. I’d lived with a hole in my Oesophagus for so long, all I could envisage was liquid flowing out of me like water running from a rose on a watering can! But I was blessed with a fantastic Consultant and medical team – each... Continue Reading →
The day my NG tube was removed was memorable. It was removed on 1st January - what a way to start a new year! It also signalled to me that it was the start of something huge. I spent the day in a place I’d never been before. I was filled with a new energy... Continue Reading →
The 4hrs until the consultant visited felt like eternity. It was a sunny morning, the dawn of a new day and new year, and a beautiful ‘Crownhill Sunrise’. When the consultant arrived, he smiled but looked worried. When I explained how it felt, in between gagging, he said it sounded like my body was indeed... Continue Reading →
31stDecember 2018 – Swallow test number……..who knows! It was a Monday and today was an exciting day. My swallow test on Christmas eve had shown that the hole in my oesophagus was the width of a cotton thread so the expectations of todays test were high! I was in a positive festive mood as I... Continue Reading →
I was a patient on Crownhill ward for 10 weeks. It became my second home. My Saturday nights consisted of writing my name on my bedpans for the week and chewing ice chips and spitting them out! So many milestones were reached along with lots of memories made, most of which are too small to... Continue Reading →
That night my world turned upside down, again. Having become comfortable with my surroundings, I was moved to the opposite side of my bay late in the evening. In my previous space went someone who was fresh out of surgery and with me being so wide awake, I was quite nosey to watch the recovery... Continue Reading →
Whilst lying on the bed for what seemed like forever, I became really aware of my surroundings. I was still attached to so many bags and drips, one of which was TPN. ‘Total Parenteral Nutrition’ was my food. Tailor made to my bodies needs every day, it went through my 'PICC' line straight into my bloodstream,... Continue Reading →
It was the start of a busy day! A nurse told me that I would be seen be a physio who would get me walking. Walking? I didn’t know how to walk! I had completely forgotten how to walk. How was this possible? Whilst waiting for the physio, I remember fumbling on my phone, looking for videos... Continue Reading →
After a horrible first night on Crownhill ward, I woke up and it was dark. I hadn't slept well and I was so disorientated. My obs were taken every 2/3hrs and I felt scared. Banging and beeping noises were coming from a building site outside and I was confused. I didn’t know where I was... Continue Reading →
On 3rd December 2018, late evening, I left ICU and went to a ward. My memories of this day are vague but what memories I do have are quite clear. I’d spent the day on and off a commode…and I don’t think further detail is required; suffice to say that my body was waking up!... Continue Reading →
We’ve reached the end of my Delirium Diaries but there are a few loose ends! My deliriums fall into 2 categories: ‘I remember exactly’ and ‘odd bits’! I have 10 vivid deliriums that absolutely, categorically happened. Now we know that they didn’t and that in reality it was my mind playing tricks because of infection, medication,... Continue Reading →
Towards the end of my stay on ICU, I was visited by an Occupational Therapist. My memories of ICU are quite vague but I specifically remember the green trousers! She explained that when I moved to the ward, a therapist would speak to me to assess what help I needed. She went onto explain that... Continue Reading →
It was one evening in 2016. I was on the sofa and got cramp in my chest from where I was sitting awkwardly. I got up to stretch and walked to the kitchen…. but soon realised this was not cramp. The pain increased; it was like someone gripping my insides and squeezing. Unable to tolerate... Continue Reading →
My patient diary is one of my most treasured possessions. They are designed as a tool for staff to document information during a patients stay such as who looked after the patient, the weather and what the patient might have done on a particular day. It can also be used by families who can add... Continue Reading →
A few nights into my stay in ICU, I remember an enormous feeling of agitation. It was dark - I was alone. The man in the bed next to me was snoring and I remember thinking ‘why can’t I sleep like him’! My head was spinning, with so many deliriums going from one to another.... Continue Reading →
Wow......what the hell was that! That's what I think 12 months on from being admitted to the Intensive Care Unit (Pencarrow) at University Hospitals Plymouth. Due to complications post-surgery in November 2018, I was admitted onto ICU in a medically induced coma. I had a perforated oesophagus and associated complications resulting in a 13 day stay... Continue Reading →
I am extremely lucky that University Hospitals Plymouth have an excellent Intensive Care rehabilitation team. Patients are supported throughout their time in hospital and once discharged, continue to receive support in their recovery through follow up communications and multi-disciplinary team appointments. Patients also have access to psychological support through only one of a few psychologists... Continue Reading →
Before reading this, I think (although I can't be certain!) that this episode occurred when I was becoming more conscious and possibly my last day or 2 on ICU. Sections marked with an * asterix I believe actually happened. Apologies if it's confusing! I'm in a very bright place. It's a very confusing situation but... Continue Reading →
I laid in a bed - I had my own room and a door was in front of me, to the left. Through the door I could see into some sort of kitchen and communal living area. Beyond that was a large, grand entranceway to external doors. When I got my bearings, I guessed it... Continue Reading →
I was now in a very bright, well light room.....in a car showroom! It seemed the ICU was full and this was on overspill ward - I could see the hospital across the car park!! My bed was tucked out of the way, next to a reception desk. The office staff came in and were... Continue Reading →
We carry on from my previous post ('Lie on the couch please'). We're still in the large agricultural shed/hall, still being restrained and unable to leave. I was now on a proper hospital bed. It had been pushed against a wall, along with lots of other empty beds. The hall was dark, infact quite victorian... Continue Reading →
Suddenly, I was on a railway platform. It was a disused station, with some railway sidings and old carriages. I found myself getting out of my car. I was in a wooded area, some sort of redundant railway line and an old wooden shed ahead of me. It was very quiet. I walked into the... Continue Reading →
It's important to remember that to me - my deliriums happened in quick succession, one after another, almost like a story playing out. Deliriums can sometimes be related to surroundings at that time? For example, later I'll tell you about being held hostage in a religious nursing home in Northern Ireland where a nun would... Continue Reading →
Christmas last year for me was weird. Every day when my consultant visited me or when I’d had a scan, I waited for the words ‘you’ll be home for Christmas’. Believe me, the team wanted me to be home but alas it wasn’t to be. It was a difficult time for me. My mental health began... Continue Reading →
I was now in an old fashioned dormitory. There must have been 20 beds, all with wardrobes. There were nurses walking around, a garden area outside with a bar and a coffee shop inside where patients and relatives could go. I distinctly remember telling my parents that when I was up and about, we would... Continue Reading →
The next minute, it was very dark. I remember feeling very hot. I was on the bridge of a ship. It was a naval training establishment for cadets (very precise!!). Opposite my bed was the ships bridge with a large window. Outside it was black yet I could see water and land but I knew... Continue Reading →
It took 3 attempts to wake me from my coma. Apparently on the 3rd attempt, it was now or never.......... In my 'world', I was at a party. I could see brightly coloured balloons, people dancing - but it was silent. I was aware of people standing over me and I remember my husband shouting... Continue Reading →
This time last year (I had to say it!) was my 2nd wedding anniversary........ I was also fast asleep in a medically induced coma, or heavily sedated if you want the pink and fluffy version! So, what put me there? Early in 2016, I had progressively worsening problems with swallowing solids and liquids. After many... Continue Reading →
Welcome to 'From Delirium to Reality' Today is the 21st November 2019. 12 months ago my life changed and as dramatic as that sounds, it's true! I won't bore you with the details just yet, but the short version of my story is that what should've been a routine surgical procedure......went wrong! What should have... Continue Reading →
From Delirium to Reality 