PTSD……The gift that keeps on giving

My PTSD goblin has been awakened once again, this time by an innocent piece of gym equipment.

I started strength training in 2021, to ‘rehab’ myself – rebuild my strength and get myself, and my head, in better shape.
I’m now quite familiar with the gym equipment I use but recently I used a piece of kit for the first time.

It was a ‘Plate Loaded Glute Drive’. Essentially you lay on your back, strap yourself in, and ‘thrust’ your hips forward. What I was not expecting nor prepared for, were the feelings and emotions that came whilst using it.

After clambering on and receiving instruction on how to use it, I prepared myself to give it a go. After a few attempts, I was told how many repetitions to do, and the PT went to help others.

Then it hit – out of nowhere, a wave of emotions hit me like a brick wall. Familiar feelings I’d felt so many times before came back to haunt me.
I was struggling to push the weight. Unable to move and stuck on the machine, I began looking around for help from the PT.

Lying flat, being strapped in….staring at the ceiling……. feeling out of control….. barely able to move…….waiting for help……

I was in Intensive Care all over again….

Something triggered my #PTSD goblin. It felt familiar and scary. I felt like I’d been here before. Every time I attempted to use the machine, the same feelings washed over me – fear, helplessness, terror, abandonment.

I kept trying to ground myself; looking around, shouting at myself in my head that I was in the gym and I was safe….. but it didn’t stop. Nothing stopped the fear. Panic ensued…..

I struggled to do any reps. Every time I waited for the PT to support me, back came the goblin, and back came the feeling of abandonment.

As I got more and more panicky and breathless, I could hear myself asking to be let me off the machine, but without them realising what was going on in my head, they kept pushing me to keep going ‘One more rep, come on’!
In the end, the fear took over – the tears rolled, and I began to get angry. We eventually stopped, and I was ‘released’.

They thought I was just scared of using a new piece of kit, I didn’t have the courage to tell them what was really going on.
Once I’d moved onto something else, I settled down relatively quickly. Now my head was filled with emotion and confusion.

Once home and taking time to reflect on the evenings events, I could only assume that the position I was in must’ve been very similar to being in ICU:

• Laying flat, looking at a similar type of ceiling and lighting……
• Being restrained or feeling restrained……
• Having no control over my body or feeling like I was out of control……
• The feeling of nobody listening to me, or ignoring me……

It had to be something similar I’d experienced previously but had no recollection of.

It genuinely both fascinates and surprises me that almost 6 years on, I still get flashbacks and feelings I’ve not had before.
It really shows that no matter how far on you are from your experience, the PTSD goblin will always sit on your shoulder….

( I need to make absolutely clear that I wasn’t abandoned or mistreated in the gym!!! )