Where have those 7 years gone!

It’s the first frosty morning of November, cold and crisp. As I step outside, I’m transported straight back to being in the hospital.

Days like this remind me of the first time I stepped outside with my physios after weeks of being inside. Stepping through the door of the hospital was like going through an airlock – the blast of cold air instantly told me that I was alive. I had survived, and I was still very much part of the world.

Or at least it was November when I began writing this post! I’ve sat on this blog post for quite a while, and that’s not like me at all.

I have suddenly become conscious of repeating the same things, of going over the same ground, and not appearing to move on in any way. Yet in truth, that’s the reality. It’s how I feel, and no – in some ways I still haven’t moved on….

However, that is ok. When people go through trauma, for some, this is how it is. For others, they can easily move on and forget. It annoys me sometimes knowing how much I’ve been impacted by my experiences, but without them, I wouldn’t be who and where I am today.

We are now seven years on, which is crazy!

As I look back over the last few years, I feel time has run away with me, and I feel I’ve achieved nothing. One (of many!) ‘Side effect’ of being in hospital for so long (for me personally) is my complete fear of the unknown. Another is my fear of time. It may sound ridiculous, but hear me out: When I was in hospital, I had nothing but time, but I had no energy or focus to do anything with my time apart from my rehab. I didn’t read, didn’t use my tablet, and it was weeks before I could settle long enough to watch TV. Let’s be realistic – I was recovering, and my body was desperately trying to heal – no wonder I had no energy for anything else!!! So why is it, when I look back at those times, I feel so angry that I wasted all that ‘spare’ time! I had so much time and achieved nothing, and it’s this ‘feeling’ that sits with me today: No matter how busy or quiet I am, I still feel as though I’ve achieved nothing. It’s frankly bloody frustrating!!!

 In truth, I’ve achieved quite a lot – surviving, for one!

I continue to share my experience with so many people, helping to raise awareness and improve services. In addition to my volunteering, I’ve given endless presentations, spoken at national and international conferences, supported with research projects, and even had articles published in medical journals! I do it because it means so much to me – If I can improve the experience for just one person, then I have succeeded.

Yet above all else, what gives me the most pleasure is helping others.

Being able to support a patient who is treading a similar path to my own is a true privilege.